I try my best to remember that pressure does not only smash things down; It also crushes miracles into existence, transforming coal into diamonds, and amorphous sediment into new continents. Recently, instead of negating the way I felt under pressure, or escaping through food or withdrawal,I asked myself a question:
What am I learning? Where are the diamonds in all of this?
What can I see when I adjust to the surrounding darkness and welcome the blinding reflections caused by pressure? What tectonic shift might happen if I stay IN? Asking this question really helped me, and I wanted to share what I learned.
1. Steady mindful practice pays off big, even when I don't "feel good"- Although I felt like a loser no matter what, I was still able to reassure myself: You are doing the best you can. Yes, he, she and them might be doing better, but you are doing the best YOU can do. This was so helpful that it felt revolutionary to me.
It calmed me down and allowed me to access my higher consciousness (also known as your neocortex for the science geeks) in the middle of a mess, which allowed me to step out of my self-centered suffering and into a deep understanding that other people are probably doing the best that they can do too.
2. When I asked myself, " What am I here to learn?" the fast answer seemed obvious- I am learning how to be effective and successful even when I think I am a total loser. I am learning how to function well AND stay open even when I want to curl up into a shame shell. This is a very useful skill; I can inspire myself and others even when the circumstances of my life and the contents of my thoughts are NOT inspirational.
3. We have to have it, to give it away.
I have to believe that I am doing the best I can if I want you to believe that you are doing the best you can. I cannot offer genuine reassurance to you without access to that reassurance for myself.
If I am not worthy of unconditional love, noble friendship and constant forgiveness, then neither are you. That sounds harsh, but it is a simple way to state the idea that we cannot love others unless we love ourselves.
Remember, relief is not revealing; a diamond half-formed is worthless coal. You are your most beautiful in your darkest moments, when you learn what you did not know a millisecond before; transformation occurs in one heartbeat. Numbing that moment with alcohol, drugs, food, anger or withdrawal offers temporary relief from pain and LEARNING and GROWING.
Stay IN. We can do this.
Thanks for reading my post, and I hope you can feel the steady love surrounding you at all times, especially when you are under pressure.
I love you.
Mary
(My dog died on a Saturday. On Sunday, I wanted to eat, drink, watch TV or talk with a friend. I wanted to do anything except feel my feelings. Often when I have these impulses, I find it helpful to do the opposite of what I want to do. I forced myself to brush my teeth and go to bed, where I laid in silence and let myself think. It was painful, but so so so helpful to take time to understand how I felt about what happened. As I engaged in this introspection, I was able to work through the worst parts of my experience and to understand the truth about it all-at least the truth for me. Today I found this post I wrote last year, and it moved me to share, again, the awareness that being alive is a miracle. Last night, on the train I had a moment of presence, where I saw all the different people and their ways of being and realized: Holy crap! This is fabulous! we are ALIVE!
I hope you enjoyed this post from before and I hope you remember that you are simply put, a spectacular miracle. There is no other explanation for the wonder that is you, here with me. )