A Post For Dads, Moms, Sons and Daughters who were NOT the best.
I remember:
my dad pounding on the kitchen table with excitement or disgust during cubs games
joining him in singing the most politically incorrect song in the world: "She's my Darlin', she's my daisy, she's cock-eyed and bloody well crazy, she's got hair upon her chest like any man!" My dad sang this song like a boss.
Watching him blow Bad ass smoke rings ( I know smoking is really really bad, but I still think smoke rings are dope).
Turning ANY Line we drew into a face. ANY. LINE! this is so exciting when you are a little kid.
standing on the side of the high way with my brothers watching our Volkswagen van disappear after my dad slammed on the brakes in our Volkswagen van and yelled "GET OUT". He couldn't take our fighting anymore
Labeling a stryofoam cup with D A D and using it for vodka at night and coffee in the morning, for one week at a time ( I honestly think he used the same styrofoam cup for a week-sibings of mine, am I right about this?)
Crying with tears of empathy when my mom told him about the crimes committed or wrongs done by some of her sicker patients
Walking into the aftermath of my brothers driving a Ford mustang through the wall into the laundry room, sitting down at the kitchen table, and crying. Before he yelled and fixed everything.
.
searching for change in the couch after returning from vacation.
Working, working, working to support nine children, no telling how many creatures, and at least 15 neighborhood kids hanging around at our house at all times
Saying, "See you in church if the windows aren't dirty."
wincing every time he called me "BFGF" ( big fat girl friend)
My dad was nowhere near perfect and I would describe our relationship as "complicated", but in the end I remember this most of all:
After my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer and given 2-3 weeks to live, the doctor told me not to tell my mom, that sometimes people were better off not knowing. I knew better, and told my mom immediately; She knew better too, and informed my dad the moment we got home.
Fredrick Godfrey Gustafson did not skip a beat before he asked me for the financial records, so he could get everything in order for my mom.
My mom told me "by the way, he will NOT be going through any invasive medical treatments. She was a nurse and she took a firm wifely stand about not letting anyone cause further suffering to her husband.
I remember thinking: This is the BIG, not replaceable payoff of staying married for 58 years. and then: I am a arrogant jackass for not understanding this about my parents sooner.
And finally, I remember thinking: I really, really, really love my dad.
I would not say that my dad was the best dad, or that I was the best kid.
But I wouldn't be me without him, and when I see my childhood through his eyes, I understand the immense gift of his love for me, his 8th child. Just writing that phrase, "8th child" adds a world of understanding to my view of his experience, and mine.
Dads, you don't have to be perfect, to be perfect.
Happy Father's Day, and if you have an absent dad, or you are a dad who neglected your kids, of if you're the father of kids with big problems, or if you were a bad kid for your dad, try to remember that it is NEVER too late to do better. Even after someone is gone, you can heal the memories and improve your relationship with practice, therapy, and time.
Transformation occurs in a single heartbeat. One moment you are resentful and hurting and the next moment you feel the love. It might take years, but it really does happen.
Never, never, never, never give up.
You can forgive yourself, if no one else will. And it wasn't your fault if your dad wasn't there for you. ( It might not have been his fault either, depending on his background and mental health status- he might have thought it was best for you if he left-he might have not known the right, gentle way to discipline a child - he might have struggled with addiction-this doesn't lessen the impact on you, but it softens the hard stone of resentment around your heart and allows you to feel the lift away of forgiveness and the lift up of realizing you are loveable and loved)
Vimala Bhikkhuni taught me that no matter how bad it is, you can be your own best friend. You can wish yourself the best day ever, and ask yourself to let it go. You can open up to the miraculous revelations and deep teachings within the story of your one and only life. (and maybe, just maybe, you can learn more about your dad's life and see a path to reconciliation or letting go, as a gift to your beautiful, beautiful self)
Thank you for reading my post. Happy Father's Day week, and I love you.
(And dad, I will see you in church if the windows aren't dirty!)
Mary G