She has plenty of time to wait for me to be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. In 12-step recovery, we refer to this as HALT. We are encouraged to STOP when we feel hungry, angry, lonely or tired so that we can reach out for help or practice self-care in order to stay sober. (By “sober” I mean freedom from your compulsion, which does not always include alcohol; 12 step recovery is available for drugs, compulsive spending, eating, workaholism, co-dependence, hoarding, and more).
I had a rough day yesterday, filled with mundane copy tasks that were REALLY hard to focus on. I didn’t finish on time. I felt frustrated when I left my office.
I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I was very tired. I was also hungry after work as I rushed home, only to be stopped by some surprisingly bad traffic. There was no time for dinner. (When I came upon the seemingly ludicrous reason for the bad traffic as I was listening to some very upsetting national news, I felt myself growing angry.)
I changed into yoga clothes when I got home and hurried off to my meeting, which lasted longer than I wanted it to. When I left, I checked my phone and saw a nice invitation to a last- minute birthday party for my VERY dear friend.
I was wearing yoga clothes, my hair looked like crap and I didn’t have a stitch of make up on, but I REALLY wanted to see my friend on her birthday. I wanted to get my BFF a special present and it turned into a fool’s errand; One store didn’t have what I was looking for, another had a broken debit card machine so I couldn’t pay, and still another left me with no good choices.
I didn’t feel great about just giving cash in a card, but I wanted to give her SOMETHING. (The truth is, she wouldn’t have cared if I brought no gift of course, but I did)
The gathering was awesome, but as I left this super happy family, I felt a little lonely like I sometimes do after I see happily married people together. ( mostly when I am really tired)
When I got home, I made way too much popcorn with way too much vegan butter and gulped down a glass of wine as I watched mindless TV and stuffed my face. I went from popcorn to sweet potato chips dipped in ranch dressing eating mindlessly until I could not. Take. One. More. Bite.
I felt awful this morning, but I am glad for this experience. It was a powerful and relatively harmless reminder of what happens when I don’t HALT the action and attend to my needs.
I am lucky to know that the part of me that feels regret about overeating needs love, just like the part of me that beat myself up about stuffing my face, just like the part of me that felt totally justified overeating. I know this sounds sort of Polly Anna, but I believe that every single part of me (and you) needs unconditional love, understanding, and time to heal.
Today, I was gifted with a delightful copy project (involving babies, environmentally sustainable products, and wildlife donations). Tonight I went to a wonderful yoga class taught by Suzanne Pesce. I feel much better. I am really grateful to be in recovery where I maintain a fit spiritual condition one day at a time by reading spiritual literature, writing, talking with a sponsor, meditating, helping others, and mostly practicing unconditional love towards myself and others as best I can.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you know that every single part of you deserves understanding and love.
PS. The part of you that’s nasty to yourself begins to heal when you put your mental arm around her and say, “hey, I get it. You’re right. That was REALLY stupid, but you know, I’ve been having a rough time. How about we take it easy on me for now?” The part of you that feels like a big loser or like all hope is loss also needs a reassuring hug while you tell her everything will be ok. The point is, you make it worse when you invalidate the way you feel. While you know you “shouldn’t” feel this way or that, the way you feel is the way you feel regardless of whether it’s an accurate reflection of your circumstances. If you feel afraid, it’s not helpful if someone says, “you shouldn’t feel that way” and brushes you off. It is helpful when someone says, “Oh man, it sucks to feel that way. I understand.”
I know this all seems complicated and maybe a little over analytical, but it’s very simple in practice. It’s just learning to rely on love for yourself and others, one day at time.
It’s getting to know yourself, so you can trust yourself. (It’s hard to trust someone you don’t know)
Being free from self-sabotage is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world and well worth the effort it takes to get there. Thanks for reading.
Don’t give up. Keep Going. I love you.
Mary