During this weekend as we remember the fallen, I also like to remember the parts of ourselves that got left behind as we grew into adulthood.
Viewed through the lens of a grown-up, we can usually see our part in the drama triangle. At some point, most of us have found ourselves adopting the role of victim, perpetrator or rescuer. In this healing paradigm, we’re taught to become the neutral observer when we find ourselves engaging in one of these disempowering roles. (We are almost ALWAYS in one of these roles in any challenging circumstance, so this practice of pausing, breathing and noticing our role is really helpful.)
The problem is that as we practice getting off the drama triangle, we often begin to see these roles as all bad. One of the most reviled roles of all is that of the victim- the powerless, helpless person that cannot seem to stop themselves from being hurt.
Of course, it’s a good idea to stop whining once in a while and notice that you’re feeling like a victim, but there’s a deeper part of us that isn’t whining at all. This is the part that was actually helpless, that might have been terrified, that was hurt with no way to avoid being hurt, that was left with no escape route and no solace after she was victimized. This can happen with big traumas like rape or incest, and it can occur through small injuries-simple parental mistakes, benign neglect, and normal sibling bullying.
To heal, victims actually need someone to listen to them, understand their plight, and offer them love and understanding. Ultimately, victims need validation and a reassurance that they are being heard and seen. They need to know they are safe.
Since most of us have been taught to be reviled by the mere idea of being a victim, we learn the true power of unconditional love and forgiveness when we allow that part of ourselves and others to emerge and be comforted.
This collective agreement that victimhood is a character defect is the rationale behind disparaging a prisoner of war for being captured, for glorifying toughness and denigrating people who succumb to torture. It’s what drives us away from self-compassion, and towards addictive work, drugs, food and other harmful ways of being.
Regardless of political views, I believe that our urge to deny the valid experience of victimhood is the underlying factor that allows us to separate infants just past their first birthday from parents and caregivers as they seek asylum at our border. (Not too long ago, this was unimaginable in a country founded as a shining light on a hill for people seeking relief from oppression.)
I know many people disagree with this idea, but for now, I just want to encourage you to allow the wisdom of your different parts to emerge and help you navigate your path to self-acceptance once and for all.
You see, if you don’t know yourself, it’s hard to trust yourself and the part of you that was a victim (or a perpetrator or a rescuer) was likely left without any choice about the way they reacted to their circumstance at the time. That part is literally dying for a gentle hug, a good long listen and the warm embrace of acceptance, along with the reassurance that your adult self has got this; Now that you have more power, you can make better choices and have a happier life.
In addition, you can learn so much from your younger self – you can learn about how to survive an impossible situation and how to endure tough challenges – ask that part of you- how did you do it? Let him or her answer. Instead of a quick dismissal and a total negation, imagine a conversation with the part of you that feels confronted or stuck. He or she probably has something very important to teach you about what might be holding you back.
Our most vulnerable parts have so much to say about grace, acceptance and recovery when we let them speak.
For many of us, surviving was a miracle; Too often, we zoom in on the dysfunction that occurs as a result of neglect or abuse. In doing so, we forget that the process of surviving was filled with incredibly brave choices and creative solutions that allowed us to endure, carry on and even thrive.
If you’re still reading this, I want to offer my heartfelt congratulations to you for carrying yourself this far, and for considering what might be possible if you really, truly fell into love with every single part of your miracle self and your absolutely astounding capacity for a joyful life.
Self-compassion requires an admission of vulnerability, an acceptance of our status as “just a human”. Ironically, this vulnerability is the source of our greatest strength and our deepest connections with one another. Our flaws bond us – we all have “something” and when we truly understand this, shame is drowned out by reflective splashes as we jump into puddles of muddy commonness.
(I want the families of the fallen to understand that while I admire the bravery of their relative, it is their human-ness that moves me. I want to acknowledge the fear they must have felt, the pain they endured, and the sacrifices that they and their family have made in the earnest hope of keeping our world safe and peaceful. Regardless of my personal views of war, this weekend I want to express my profound gratitude and respect for those willing to do battle on our behalf.)
I love you
Mary