The opposite of poverty is not wealth. The opposite of poverty is enough.
The statement, “It is better to give than receive” seems so simple and obvious.
Most of us think of it this way:
I have more money (or stuff or a better country) than you. I give resources or access to you. You receive it. I feel great. Also, I get rewarded by God or humanity. Therefore, it is better to be the giver than the receiver.
I believe there’s more to it.
Think for a moment about what it takes to be a receiver. It feels embarrassing to need financial, emotional or physical help. It can be downright humiliating to realize that you can’t control your anger, your drinking, your obsession or some other compulsion on your own. We value financial independence to the point of hoarding money while people starve. We treat needy children as burdens to bear.
But in all of this attachment to health, wealth, and keeping things the same or better than they are now, we are losing a spiritual gift, a way of being that we rarely admire, and a status that is NOT sought or yearned for often - that of being a Receiver.
Most of us have trouble accepting a compliment, much less real help with a problem. We give lip service to the idea that the meek shall inherit the earth, but deep down we know better. The richest, the smartest, the healthiest, the most generous, the most protected or protective, the most mentally healthy- those are the winners in our tiny minds.
Imagine yourself hanging onto a dirty dollar bill. You think it’s your last dollar, and you’re determined not to lose it. A person walks up to you with a million brand new dollars and tell you:
“If you let go of that dollar bill, I will give you these million dollars”
Naturally, you’re skeptical and a little scared. Many of us will not let that dirty bill go out of fear. We don’t trust the reality of the million-dollar offer and we are afraid to give all we have even for a VERY favorable tradeoff.
(I heard this analogy (I am paraphrasing like always) from a spiritual teacher. He used it to describe people who resist spiritual truths and hang onto their identity as conscious beings rather than admitting the possibility of something bigger.)
Something about the analogy struck me as just a little off and today I had one of those “aha” moments. The “off” part for me was the idea that the million dollars was the Giver’s to give in the first place. In my humble opinion, that million dollars is only available when there is a receiver. The million dollars is held hostage until a receiver allows it to be released. What good is a million dollars if there is never anything or anyone to spend it on?
Have you ever offered a compliment and had someone say something like “This old thing?”, “oh c’mon, I am too fat!” or “trust me it was pure luck”. If the compliment was sincere, the giver is left with a funny feeling of not being complete. When kindness is rebuffed, we don't know how to "take it back" as it awkwardly thuds to the ground between us. With nowhere to go, it simply disappears.
We understand though. It's easy to be a receiver.
Eventually this learned attitude of deflection (and the idea that "needing" a compliment or "caring" what anyone thinks is bad-we are only okay with compliments when we have "earned"them) infests our minds with the thought that being a Giver is BETTER, and being a Receiver is WORSE. We think receivers are LUCKY that we are giving to them. And heaven forbid if we should NEED something from each other.
But you see, the receiver is not trading in that dollar bill for the million dollars. When the receiver lets go, the block to the million dollars is removed from both of them (or all of us).
When we elevate the status of receivers, we understand the privilege of giving. We comprehend the gift of children in need. Our thoughts about these people as burdens is the dirty dollar bill. (As long as we hang onto the idea of the “other”, the block to true prosperity and peace of mind remains.)
Needy people who ask for help are a GIFT, not a burden. To check the accuracy of this idea, practice accepting a compliment or asking for help. Notice the difficulty of these actions. Over time, you’ll begin to understand the profound discipline, humility and grace it takes to be a receiver.
People in need, a planet in distress, animals existing within inhumane constraints…when we understand these circumstances as gifts waiting to be opened rather than loads to carry, we are getting close to the heart of a spiritual life.
(The fear that we will give “too much” wrenches our hearts, twisting causeless mercy into the disguise of a dangerous spendthrift. In our cramped minds, love seems limited. Pounded by the pressure of scarcity, we become tender idiots. We can’t recall that love begets love, that sharing begets sharing, or that people who are helped help others.)
If mercy needs a cause, it is no longer mercy. If generosity must be earned, it is no longer generous. Conditions cripple up the whipsaw strength of love, a light saber force hobbled into dim self-reflections. (People who are like us just can't contribute the difference that the "other" can.)
We seek out opportunities for avoidance, choosing to believe rather than belong. Passive consumption replaces active contribution. “Surely”, we think, “I am not the one chosen to do this thing. I cannot forgive, love, or serve without conditions. What will become of ME and MINE? Whose fault is this? Who will do something NOW?”
We don’t believe that OUR resources multiply when distributed to the needy. We cannot imagine rewards from helping “too much”. We set boundaries around our hearts. The parable of the loaves and fishes rings false, a tinned reminder with the feint smell of what might have been if only we had enough to begin with.
If only we were enough.
Like the bumper sticker that references the idea about a dog rescuing a human rather than the other way around, I want a bumper sticker with a greater or less than sign. A “blessed” person (aka rich and born white into a free capitalist democracy) would be pictured near the narrow point (less than). A needy child (un-"blessed"?) would be shown on the wide end (greater than)
Or a see-saw with a “blessed” individual on the low side and a poor or oppressed (again, "un-blessed"?) person on the high side, disallowing the low rider from moving up unless a generous spirit lifts more needy people onto the high end.
To climb a spiritual ladder, you don’t need to see the rooftop. Just notice one thought at a time. Observe the way you view “neediness”. Practice asking for help. Practice receiving help. Help someone and feel the way you feel. Pause and regain your balance on each difficult rung. As you reach the top of the ladder, traveling back down to your old ideas will seem less attractive than disembarking to the roof, where the view is wider..
Eventually our empathy with those in need will have us loading more onto the high end of that seesaw so that we can stay even. Rather than resist helping, we will reject the heavy weight of privilege that smashes crystal clear altruism into the muddy pit of not enough, where we continually feel compelled to reach down, dirtying ourselves for more.
I like the idea of a re-balance that influences our memory back into being: We are enough. We have enough. Compassion is a generator of more. Withholding causes scarcity and hoarding is not helpful.
We can distribute “blessings” more fairly for OUR sake.
Yes, they are OUR kids.
I love you,
Mary
By the way: The man who risks his family’s lives on a raft out of El Salvador with nothing but the threadbare clothes on their backs has become more than most of us can ever imagine. He has admitted he could not give his child the life she deserved (can you imagine admitting that?) and asked for mercy from the powerful. With unemployment (for natives and migrants (with proper documentation and without) hovering under 4%, the illogical conclusion that we have “too many” people replaces simple math and economic sense.
I resist “needing” anyone. These are the thoughts in my mind that keep me from helping enough. I resist “needing” anyone.
"I am afraid to lose my advantage.I woud rather stay safe near the ground on that seesaw. if I help "too much". will I be the one left dangling in the air at the mercy of others? Will the roof collapse if too many of us climb up? Who will hold the ladder? I am fine with not belonging. I am ok with avoidance. I don't want to pay the price for full membership in the world's human race. "Others" should pay their OWN way for their membership privileges. This isn't MY fault - it's "their" fault)"