If you're struggling with the concept of a "power greater than myself" in a 12 step program, a faith practice, or just day to day habits ( it can be challenging to move through life with no faith at all), consider your definition of "myself". 

Since more than 90% of the reasons for our choices are NOT located in our conscious mind ( this is science, not conjecture), and since it has been proven that we really are a bunch of teeny tiny particles bouncing about in a universe of teeny tiny particles bumping into each other, it'snot hard at all to remember
1. we really are connected to each other and all beings, plants, and literally everything ( even the table in front of you and the ground beneath your feet are not really "solid") since we aren't this solid thing we imagine. 

2. we evolved as beings made of stardust, ancient material that is unimaginably old ( think bigger than trillions of years ) 

3.no matter how perfect your parents or your upbringing or your current circumstances, you are most likely to believe you are flawed in ways that you are not, since it is difficult to see the perfection in your wrinkles, your impossible to break habit of being late or any other seemingly terrible "parts" since you can't adopt the view of world filled with unique miracles from the standpoint of your narrow perception through minds eyes noses hands ears skin etc trained and/or biologically oriented towards survival. ( survival means that we are geared to see what's wrong first to prevent a disaster- we don't "need" to see whats right). 

So the concept of power greater than yourself is much easier to consider from the view of myself as being a VERY small part of the actual being I am on this planet spinning millions of miles an hour around the sun.

Okedoke, I think I've got my next helpful book idea!

onward, normal people. Yours truly is going to dive way too deep today - I can tell already! (Look out world an obsessive deep thinker is entering the arena. ha ha) 

I love you and yours,

Mary

In the midst of a challenge, it's helpful to practice these three questions: ( these work for serious and not so serious challenges by the way)

1. What am I feeling? ( if the circumstance is really stressful, be specific with this question - choose a body part that you don't usually notice-what does my left hand, the roof of my mouth or the top of my head feel like right now?) as you focus on discerning sensations and feelings, rather than the overwhelm of emotions, you'll notice an internal calming even as your surroundings grow more threatening. This is really helpful when you are feeling very lonely, or when you are in the presence of person under the influence of rage, jealousy, drugs or alcohol. You not only grow calm, you slow down your fear center and activate the more powerful, imaginative parts of your brain. Then, you are more likely to find ways to survive, diffuse the crisis, or allow yourself to un-compress the heavy load of dark thoughts that can crush you when you feel very lonely or depressed. 

2. What am I seeing? This is another helpful way to avoid the bad choices we sometimes make under stress. If you walk into a disastrous mess in your teen's bedroom or even worse, discover evidence that your child or friend is in real trouble, breathe in, close your eyes for just a moment and then look at the first thing you see. Just observe it as an object. Now, look at something far, something close, something to the left, something to the right, move your eyes to see what's above you and below you. This eye movement achieves more than one goal; it interrupts your focus on the disaster just like the feeling question AND it allows your whole brain to come into play ( as you look the left, right, near, far, up, and down, you are activating different parts and encouraging them to communicate with each other). With your whole brain, better choices for actions and reactions will occur to you, and may stop you for making the situation even worse.

3. What am I hearing? This is really helpful if someone is yelling at you, or your home feels eerily silent. Take a moment and listen to see if you can hear anything other than the yelling (or the disturbing loud music from the studio next to your yoga practice space - ha ha). If you're feeling the silence bear down on you, stand up and move around and notice what you feel, see and hear. As you tune yourself to sound, your mind will naturally move away from despair in an effort to address the sensation of energy entering your body through sound waves. Cover one ear, then the other, then both and then listen again. ( all kinds of great brain benefits there, but enough already!) 

(by the way, be sure to practice observing the way you feel, what you see, and what you hear during easy times so that you have access to this skill in the midst of your next challenge.)

Thank you for reading my post. 

Oh wait, one more thing! I just read about the idea that you can start very early with kids and teach them to imagine answers to the question. Why am I here? Why is it good to be alive? Then, as they age and face possible challenges and dark times, they will naturally have answers to the question, "Why should I stay?" I know this is dark topic, but there is research that proves the effectiveness of these questions; it's not totally always true that there's NOTHING we can do.

Ok, onward, joyfully grateful for the inspiring comment from Emma's wonderful yoga class this morning! 

Mary

To Be More Productive, Choose Easy Once In A While

My mind tends to take a small issue or even a big challenge and turn it into certain, future catastrophe; it seems like the less I can actually do about the problem, the more the urge to solve it RIGHT NOW overtakes me.

I want to know how people stay productive and happy with unresolved challenges ( after they have done everything they can do about it, and the problem is still not solved or maybe it will never be "solved.")

If you can't change something that you can't stand, how do you prevent yourself from spending all of your time on that problem while your life falls down around you? I think about people with an illness that no one can diagnose, or a child who has been lost to kidnappers or addiction. 

How do they stay productive or even functional?

If you want to learn about stuff like this, websites for people who are managing chronic pain and illness are very helpful. 

I posted one of my favorite hints last year and here it is again. A nice reminder to plan ahead for tough times with practices that can be used when will power has left the building. 

Make a list of tasks and group them in the following manner:
HARD
NOT SO HARD
EASY

Keep this list handy with the easy tasks highlighted, and on the days when your pain is elevated ( or your obsession is at a emergency level) take on the easy tasks and leave the rest for another day.

Tell yourself, "I can't do this hard task well today, so I will do this easier task," (rather than "I can't do this so my life is going to fall apart and I better do this sooner rather than later and oh no here comes a catastrophe I can feel it coming so I better do something to numb that feeling so I can do this hard thing and then I still can't do it and I feel even worse and start up the numbing cycle again. Whew!)

Thank you for reading my post and let's all take it easy on ourselves for a minute ( or three?) soon.

I love you 

Mary

Stop The Madness Of Forgetting With Visualization

If you, like me, are standing in the kitchen, wondering why you walked in there, you might be dealing with the challenges of an aging brain. Here's a helpful hint: Practice visualization before you leave the room! 

When you stood up to walk into the kitchen, you were likely using your frontal cortex, which doesn't age very well. You'll notice this disability when a word or a thought feels like it's "on the tip of your tongue" but you just can't remember it. As your frontal cortex ages, you'll sometimes have a harder time remembering just the right word, or the name of a movie that you've seen 100 times. You might feel the upsetting experience of being unable to "get it" as someone explains an insurance change or a new technology. 

I am happy to say - There IS a solution! (although I forget it about once every second- ha ha)

Use the forever young ( and forever fun of course) part of your brain that helps you engage in visualization. Supplement your check list with a few minutes of imagining yourself completing your various tasks for the day, before you stand up from your office chair, take 30 seconds or so and imagine retrieving the object or having the conversation before you leave your space to do it. Before you go into a meeting, imagine yourself focusing on the conversations and demonstrations that matter most to you, and leaving with a new great idea or an improved understanding between you and a colleague. 

If you've never practiced visualization, you can start with something very familiar like an apple. close your eyes and Imagine an apple. Feel the weight of it in your hand. Imagine the way it feels, and then imagine the taste, the feel of the apple on your teeth etc. The more details the better. After you can visualize an apple, try visualizing yourself brushing your teeth. Before you know it, you'll be able to visualize yourself completing your to-do list, remembering the reason you walked upstairs, and accomplishing your biggest goal.

Well, off I go to visualize remembering the location of my car keys. FUN!

I love you and your aging brains, especially the forever young and fun parts.

Parts Unknown

 I wanted to post a gentle reminder. You have many different parts - it’s helpful to remember that while part of you feels totally hopeless, another part is still totally reassuring and loving to your child or your dog; although part of you feels like this day sucks, part of you still appreciates the artistry of clouds. The part of you that reassures your best friend can reassure you too, but only if you get to know her. The part that pens a compassionate note to her loved ones could provide compassion for the note writer, if she learned to love ALL her parts. The tough little survivor in you is ready and willing to help the moment you accept her as YOU. For everyone that loves you, be brave if you can and examine your whole damn life. If you can’t, ask for help. You are the source of unconditional love for yourself. You always have been, but it takes some very hard scary work. Don’t try it alone! I know there’s no one size fits all answer. I just wanted to share what helps me. At times, Part of me wants to join Anthony and Kate and my dog and my mom and some of my best friends in a better place (like most people, I occasionally have dark thoughts), but part of me remembers that life is a miracle and she reassures the temporarily hopeless part that it will be ok. (Ironically, that part is the kid I thought of before as “damaged”) It will be ok. It will be ok. Ask! Maybe we can help.

I love you, Mary.

I Hope They Saw Something Beautiful

As I closed my eyes in our final relaxation pose after an exceptionally beautiful yoga practice today led by Suzanne Pesce, I thought about a client of mine, who is in his late 80s. He is finally remembering an old willow tree that he and his friends played under and on for hours on end during the summer. It was easy to see it as he described it. As he talked, I was struck by the power of everyday moments that we sometimes take for granted.

Then I thought about my dog, and how I was looking straight into her eyes before she died. I was glad for a moment that my eyes were the last thing she saw. Soon, my thoughts turned to soldiers who died in battle, and I hoped with all my might that they saw something beautiful before they died. 

Maybe they saw a blade of grass, a yellow dandelion, or a friend's face. Maybe the sun glittered up water in a puddle. Maybe there was an interesting cloud, or a blue sky. Maybe an ant carrying an impossibly heavy load distracted them momentarily from the ugliness of a battle field. A red poppy seems like too much to ask for, but it's possible that a bright colorful flower survived. It's possible that birdsong reached their ears for just a moment.

If no beauty was near, I've done enough research on death and dying to believe that we all see something beautiful as we die. Many of us will see our loved ones, some see the face of "God", and across the board people report a positive experience of glorious light and touching replays of the most beautiful parts of their life. 

This thought felt like a comforting reminder to the families of our military men and women who died in battle. (The world really is beautiful when we remember to look.)

May all beings be well, happy and peaceful. May all beings enjoy the everyday miracle of the present moment. 

May the world know peace, soon. 

I love you and I remember you

Mary

Grace, Humility and Survivorship - Lessons from Victims

During this weekend as we remember the fallen, I also like to remember the parts of ourselves that got left behind as we grew into adulthood. 

Viewed through the lens of a grown-up, we can usually see our part in the drama triangle. At some point, most of us have found ourselves adopting the role of victim, perpetrator or rescuer. In this healing paradigm, we’re taught to become the neutral observer when we find ourselves engaging in one of these disempowering roles. (We are almost ALWAYS in one of these roles in any challenging circumstance, so this practice of pausing, breathing and noticing our role is really helpful.)

The problem is that as we practice getting off the drama triangle, we often begin to see these roles as all bad. One of the most reviled roles of all is that of the victim- the powerless, helpless person that cannot seem to stop themselves from being hurt. 

Of course, it’s a good idea to stop whining once in a while and notice that you’re feeling like a victim, but there’s a deeper part of us that isn’t whining at all. This is the part that was actually helpless, that might have been terrified, that was hurt with no way to avoid being hurt, that was left with no escape route and no solace after she was victimized. This can happen with big traumas like rape or incest, and it can occur through small injuries-simple parental mistakes, benign neglect, and normal sibling bullying. 

To heal, victims actually need someone to listen to them, understand their plight, and offer them love and understanding. Ultimately, victims need validation and a reassurance that they are being heard and seen. They need to know they are safe. 

Since most of us have been taught to be reviled by the mere idea of being a victim, we learn the true power of unconditional love and forgiveness when we allow that part of ourselves and others to emerge and be comforted. 

This collective agreement that victimhood is a character defect is the rationale behind disparaging a prisoner of war for being captured, for glorifying toughness and denigrating people who succumb to torture. It’s what drives us away from self-compassion, and towards addictive work, drugs, food and other harmful ways of being. 

Regardless of political views, I believe that our urge to deny the valid experience of victimhood is the underlying factor that allows us to separate infants just past their first birthday from parents and caregivers as they seek asylum at our border. (Not too long ago, this was unimaginable in a country founded as a shining light on a hill for people seeking relief from oppression.)

I know many people disagree with this idea, but for now, I just want to encourage you to allow the wisdom of your different parts to emerge and help you navigate your path to self-acceptance once and for all. 

You see, if you don’t know yourself, it’s hard to trust yourself and the part of you that was a victim (or a perpetrator or a rescuer) was likely left without any choice about the way they reacted to their circumstance at the time. That part is literally dying for a gentle hug, a good long listen and the warm embrace of acceptance, along with the reassurance that your adult self has got this; Now that you have more power, you can make better choices and have a happier life. 

In addition, you can learn so much from your younger self – you can learn about how to survive an impossible situation and how to endure tough challenges – ask that part of you- how did you do it? Let him or her answer. Instead of a quick dismissal and a total negation, imagine a conversation with the part of you that feels confronted or stuck. He or she probably has something very important to teach you about what might be holding you back. 

Our most vulnerable parts have so much to say about grace, acceptance and recovery when we let them speak. 

For many of us, surviving was a miracle; Too often, we zoom in on the dysfunction that occurs as a result of neglect or abuse. In doing so, we forget that the process of surviving was filled with incredibly brave choices and creative solutions that allowed us to endure, carry on and even thrive.

If you’re still reading this, I want to offer my heartfelt congratulations to you for carrying yourself this far, and for considering what might be possible if you really, truly fell into love with every single part of your miracle self and your absolutely astounding capacity for a joyful life. 

Self-compassion requires an admission of vulnerability, an acceptance of our status as “just a human”. Ironically, this vulnerability is the source of our greatest strength and our deepest connections with one another. Our flaws bond us – we all have “something” and when we truly understand this, shame is drowned out by reflective splashes as we jump into puddles of muddy commonness. 

(I want the families of the fallen to understand that while I admire the bravery of their relative, it is their human-ness that moves me. I want to acknowledge the fear they must have felt, the pain they endured, and the sacrifices that they and their family have made in the earnest hope of keeping our world safe and peaceful. Regardless of my personal views of war, this weekend I want to express my profound gratitude and respect for those willing to do battle on our behalf.) 

I love you

Mary

I completely forgot about this: Spontaneous Trait Transference. Yikes.

Why not gossip? Hint: Your brain knows it's ALWAYS ALL about YOU
My favorite reason not to gossip or complain is this:
Spontaneous Trait Transference.
That's a neurochemical process that causes the listener of the gossip or the complaint to automatically and unconsciously transfer the nasty traits to the speaker of the gossip.
So, if you say so and so is a jerk, guess what?
The person listening automatically assumes on a deep neurological level, that YOU are the jerk. ( and of course, this impacts you in the same way-if you say the weather sucks, your brain hears that YOU suck, etc.)
Spontaneous Trait Transference is not avoidable since it is not a conscious process.
Stop, look and listen before you read, watch or hear.
Who was I about to complain about? oh, that's right-ME.

I love you all so so much!
Thanks for reading
Mary

I have been graced with the extraordinary opportunity to assist people as old as 94 with writing their life stories. Some struggle with neurological deterioration, dementia or Alzheimers, yet they remember so much when I mindfully step aside and allow them space and time to process their experiences. 

Today, a person in an assisted living facility recalled the feeling of running through the sprinkler hose in the front yard with her younger brother 80 years ago. She was 7 and he was 4. We high-fived each other as the miracle of re-experiencing this ordinary moment in a childhood summer sunk in. 

I want to encourage all of my dear friends and family members to make time to remember their life, to recall the everyday moments that in retrospect, are so wonderful that it's sometimes hard to believe they were real. I want to remind you to ask your parents and grandparents about their life. 

We tend to tell our stories through the lens of big events and impressive accomplishments, but the truth is that ordinary everyday happenings are often the most incredible memories of all. 

Can you remember the feeling of summer as a young child? Do you remember the warmth of the sun on your belly, the cold splash into a neighborhood pool? I remember my mom's ice tea mixed with lemonade and orange juice and I remember my grandma's freezer with chocolate-covered Eskimo pie ice cream bars. 

Since I am a writer, I spend time describing these experiences in detail, recalling the sound of unwrapping the freezing foil, the crunch of that first cold bite, and the effort it took me to slow down and make it last. I try my best to recall the way it felt, the way my grandma grew impatient as I tried my best to slow down time before I was shooed downstairs to join my brothers in the basement for a game of war. My grandpas wooden swing was our plane - we had a real world war II gas mask at our disposal as well. 

I find it helpful to remember that my hike today in a nearby park is more likely to bring me a joyful memory in old age than a big trip or a fabulous reception for my next book. These thoughts ground me in the present moment and remind me that making wonderful memories is worth the time it takes to remember to remember as I experience each moment of every day. 

I believe that an unexamined life is a missed opportunity for a richly rewarding experience at the very least.

While the modern push to move forward joins the constant shaming admonishments to stop looking in the rearview mirror, I want to be the voice of encouragement for you to look back as frequently as possible, to remember the magical views you experienced as a child, to recall the mistakes you made as a teenager and the brilliant flashes of fun, along with the trauma, the love, the heartbreaks, the stupid risks and all the stuff that happens in a human life. 

Your breath and your life is a temporary gift that won't last forever. Use it once in awhile to remember YOU, to befriend yourself. Get to know the parts of you that feel like a loser, and the part that's so arrogant she thinks she can't misstep. Get to know the voice that shames you as well as the voice that provides unconditional love. If you do this, you will never be alone, since you have befriended yourself.

Self-confidence is essentially self-trust. We rarely "confide" in people we don't know. Self-doubt is a painful block to healthy choices and a natural result of our failure to befriend ourselves. One of the greatest joys in life is to trust yourself and your ability to make choices. This is difficult if you don't know yourself. This trust in one's self might be the missing piece that makes an unexamined life so painful at times. 

I am working on loving every single part of me so that I can love every single part of you. 

One day, our memories will be all we have. And we will be glad if we can remember the feeling of a childhood summer, and the heartbreak of our first crush. Without practice, we will probably lose whole parts of our life to an aging brain. Without asking, we might lose the chance to really know our elders. 

Mary

Being humbled by success is a modern concept and I am pretty sure that most people who share this feeling are overwhelmed by gratitude or surprised by their acceptance, which humbles the arrogant insister that we are NOT all that. But true humility doesn't involve failure or success. One of the best ways I know of to describe humility is this::

Think about someone in Australia, who couldn't sleep last night and woke up into a mess made by their aging dog. How much do you think about that person in your day to day life? Now think about someone in China who is going through the same relationship difficulty that you are. Do you care? 

Finally, practice this thought: I am someone who is ten thousand miles away from most humans. I am thousands of miles away from their concern. Only when we adopt this simple truth, that we are merely a fellow among fellows, a worker among workers and a living being surrounded by trillions of other living beings, do we understand our real place in this world. 

When people envision a problem, they are often advised to imagine whether that problem will matter in a day, a year or a century. But you are already ten thousand miles away from your problem. This separation from your constricted view immediately pushes the problem aside to make room for the contemplation of a far more interesting idea for what's next. Always do your best to see your problems from 10 thousand miles away. 

See your success through the eyes of an animal, or a person who does not speak your language or live in your culture, and you will understand humility. 

Humility involves acknowledging the truth. 

I am not a ripple in a pond or the wave in the ocean or the footfall as I hike.I am nothing, and everything. I exist as a part of something, and when I leave this existence, that something will continue on as if I was never here. 

This is the humble way. 

Now, the gift of this way of thinking is a moment free of expectations, ambition and the idea of failure or success. 

From this vantage point, I can stop running through the corridors of the flat corporate buildings of Win or Lose, and start opening doors into school rooms, nature and shoeless huts. I can explore another point of view or a different kind of life. 

Most human journeys involve a crowded rush through narrow hallways to win an invented game called the human race. 
With humility, we stop and feel the wind as the runners, walkers, crawlers and wheelchair riders race past us. 

When we step up to the 10,000 mile view, we step out of the sweaty mass, and we an enjoy a cool breeze as a planet full of busy people spins close. 

Vimala Bhikkhuni taught me that we are not the cloud, the storm, the sun or the grass; we are the clear sky in the background, and the moment we remember this, the forgetting begins. Practice is essential for remembering.

Clouds are miracles. We are not in charge. No faith is required for this view. It's the simple truth. We are not in charge.

Most people, animals and other living beings are unaware of our existence. It is more important than ever to engage in menial tasks and quiet contributions. Satisfaction involves humility. You matter to yourself most of all, and you are your one and only best friend. Do not trifle with this gift of being with yourself until the end of your life. You do not die alone. You die with yourself-your best friend. Greet her with open arms, and learn all about her deepest dreams and biggest fears. Do not leave her side. 

Rise up to the task of being YOUR best friend. It is truly an honor and a role that cannot be filled by anyone other than you. Being the humble, clear, unobtrusive sky for yourself allows the emergence of steady unshakeable happiness. 

Thank you for being you and for reading this sudden immersion into deep thought by yours truly. 

You are a miracle.

I love you

Mary

Diamonds and Continents: The Rewards Of Pressure

I try my best to remember that pressure does not only smash things down; It also crushes miracles into existence, transforming coal into diamonds, and amorphous sediment into new continents. Recently, instead of negating the way I felt under pressure, or escaping through food or withdrawal,I asked myself a question:

What am I learning? Where are the diamonds in all of this? 

What can I see when I adjust to the surrounding darkness and welcome the blinding reflections caused by pressure? What tectonic shift might happen if I stay IN? Asking this question really helped me, and I wanted to share what I learned.

1. Steady mindful practice pays off big, even when I don't "feel good"- Although I felt like a loser no matter what, I was still able to reassure myself: You are doing the best you can. Yes, he, she and them might be doing better, but you are doing the best YOU can do. This was so helpful that it felt revolutionary to me.
It calmed me down and allowed me to access my higher consciousness (also known as your neocortex for the science geeks) in the middle of a mess, which allowed me to step out of my self-centered suffering and into a deep understanding that other people are probably doing the best that they can do too.

2. When I asked myself, " What am I here to learn?" the fast answer seemed obvious- I am learning how to be effective and successful even when I think I am a total loser. I am learning how to function well AND stay open even when I want to curl up into a shame shell. This is a very useful skill; I can inspire myself and others even when the circumstances of my life and the contents of my thoughts are NOT inspirational.

3. We have to have it, to give it away.
I have to believe that I am doing the best I can if I want you to believe that you are doing the best you can. I cannot offer genuine reassurance to you without access to that reassurance for myself.

If I am not worthy of unconditional love, noble friendship and constant forgiveness, then neither are you. That sounds harsh, but it is a simple way to state the idea that we cannot love others unless we love ourselves.

Remember, relief is not revealing; a diamond half-formed is worthless coal. You are your most beautiful in your darkest moments, when you learn what you did not know a millisecond before; transformation occurs in one heartbeat. Numbing that moment with alcohol, drugs, food, anger or withdrawal offers temporary relief from pain and LEARNING and GROWING. 

Stay IN. We can do this.

Thanks for reading my post, and I hope you can feel the steady love surrounding you at all times, especially when you are under pressure.
I love you.

Mary

(My dog died on a Saturday. On Sunday, I wanted to eat, drink, watch TV or talk with a friend. I wanted to do anything except feel my feelings. Often when I have these impulses, I find it helpful to do the opposite of what I want to do. I forced myself to brush my teeth and go to bed, where I laid in silence and let myself think. It was painful, but so so so helpful to take time to understand how I felt about what happened. As I engaged in this introspection, I was able to work through the worst parts of my experience and to understand the truth about it all-at least the truth for me. Today I found this post I wrote last year, and it moved me to share, again, the awareness that being alive is a miracle. Last night, on the train I had a moment of presence, where I saw all the different people and their ways of being and realized: Holy crap! This is fabulous! we are ALIVE! 

I hope you enjoyed this post from before and I hope you remember that you are simply put, a spectacular miracle. There is no other explanation for the wonder that is you, here with me. )

Loss, and Healing

Maya Angelou described kindnesses in challenging times as “rainbows in her clouds”. She said although her life was full of clouds, those clouds were full of rainbows to remember.
Before she walked on stage or onto the set of a movie, she would ask all the people who had been kind to her to come along.

Mentally, she invited these angels as a strengthening presence and as a tribute to their impact on her life- (she described them as “all of them” - gay, straight, white, black, young, old, smart, simple, rich, poor, each and every being who had been kind to her in any capacity)

A few moments of quiet reflection on past and present kindnesses is a wonderful way to start your day. I like to play the song “happy” by Pharrell Wiliams or anything by Vivaldi as I engage in these pleasant thoughts.

I know it sounds sappy, but I’m extremely grateful for the rainbows in my clouds as I reflect on my dear friends, family, coworkers and neighbors who gathered grace close after my son and I said good bye to our beautiful (beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous!) dog, Lou Lou.

It was really awful for me ( I felt like my dog was terrified and I did it all wrong) and I can't begin to thank all the people who shared their experiences when I called. It was so reassuring to understand that whether their dog was young, old, unable to stand, or still eating and walking, and whether death happened in a vet's office or at home, unexpectedly or with compassionate assistance, everyone shared the initial guilt, bargaining ( I did it too soon, I waited too long, I could have would have should have...) and other typical grief responses.

One of the most thoughtful presents I received was a lovely memorial stone and a floral arrangement on my coffee table. So nice to come home to SOMETHING the day after Lou Lou died-I will remember this in the future. 

Two of the most helpful comments were this: "That shame and guilt you feel is grief, Mary, it's just grief", and "you might be bargaining, my friend." ( that one really felt off when my friend said it- I was positive I was right- that I acted too soon, that lou lou wasn't ready...now I see I was bargaining. My dog was dying no matter what and she was in a great deal of pain). My awesome BFF/sister in law went on a long hilly hike with me later that afternoon -it helped so much to MOVE when I wanted to sit inside and isolate.

Three of my sweet grand nieces came with their mom and grandma to a blessing at the Blue Lotus Temple about a month ago, where Lou lou laid on a comfy cushion and relaxed as we meditated and the monks chanted good karma for all of us. The site of those little ones mediating is one of my favorite memories of this last year. SO beautiful!

Lou lou stopped eating at one point and my son told me, "Mom, nothing on earth will refuse to eat KFC original recipe." I, an avowed vegan, went obediently to the drive-through.
(On the way home, I could not resist a taste. I just had to see if it was THAT good. It was. "Holy. Crap!", I said as I closed the box.)

For the last 30 days or so, Lou Lou ate KFC morning and night. I have a thank you card with her photo to deliver to the drive through workers, who must wonder what happened to that odd woman and also must have wondered why I didn't weigh 400 pounds. (At my lowest point, I actually got my dog a bacon burger at five guys- she was literally wasting away from cancer and my compassion for all other animals went out the window - it's back now, I swear. although I do have a newfound hankering now and then for KFC. Apparently I am superior to no one- a surprise to no one but me- ha ha)

People reassured me that we were great dog owners and that my son and I did everything I could - a dear friend told me she could not imagine how my dog was even still walking when she saw her and a stranger in the park took one look at my dog and smiled at me as he said, "In my family, we call this bonus time-you're doing a good job, my friend" before he leaned over to give Lou lou a friendly pat. Every single reaction from every single person helped-it was like I was being touched by healing hands over and over.

The day after Lou lou died, I realized I made a mistake. I called the emergency line for my vet's office and tearfully confessed that I didn't ask for Lou lou's ashes but I really really wanted them. Was it too late?

The vet reassured me again ( the day before he said gently that one of his clients told him "I'd rather be a week early than a minute late" to help us process our choice). Even though it was a Sunday morning, he took the time to tell me that No, it wasn't too late. He'd make sure to get Lou Lou's remains back for us.

And I am glad now, to have them. My son and I will scatter them at her favorite parks and keep some and I don't exactly know what else we'll do.

What I do know is that my dear friends took me out to dinner that night and listened to me over and over, and my son was there every step of the way. He told me "I'm at peace with this-it's going to be ok", my yoga teachers gave me extra presses and so much more and my practice. My practice. my practice worked. I was so upset that I literally thought I would die but I knew that deep breaths and extreme self compassion would help. ( Because I practice accessing these helpful attributes, I was able to tap in and heal.)

I'm thankful that I've learned to love myself enough that I could let the parts of me that felt like a dog murderer out to speak and be comforted.

I asked my faithful friends: Do you really really REALLY really think Lou lou is free and happy? Two of them hesitated, thinking before they answered "YES YES I do, Mary. I do" My family helped too, again with their own stories. Many people joked that they'd be glad to lend me their dog - ha ha. I felt so so SO bad the first night, better the next day and now, I feel so much better that I'm here, sharing about this on Facebook.

I was eye to eye with my old friend as she left his life, whispering the names of all the dog and people that were waiting for her ( I hoped). It was so terrible, and such a privilege. I saw the change in her body (and her eyes as they teared up and stilled). I learned first hand that our bodies are just shells.

I feel the luxury of existing inside my body as if it's brand new. I notice more, realizing that it's not easy to give up the view through these eyes, the feeling of this belly, or the stride of my step - all temporary gifts meant to be thoroughly enjoyed.

Last week at a lacrosse game I noticed the sunset like never before - I'm thankful for learning once again that miracles surround me in a tight circle at all times- I took our dog to a pond near me twice a day towards the end and I was astounded at the flush of wildlife and birdsong and beautiful sites each and every morning and night, like a nature show in my back yard.

Thanks Lou lou, for teaching me to take advantage of the here and now, here and now.

I love all of you (and your dogs).

Mary

Pleasure: A Pleasant Path To Productivity improvements And Better Days.

The best motivator (according to neuroscience) is non-addictive pleasure, not addictive numbing habits or fear of pain and loss. Mark Waldman, an executive neuroscience leadership professor from Marymount University, recommends that we set a timer each hour for pleasure breaks at work. 

Every hour or so, take 5 minutes and stretch, yawn, massage your neck, smile, kick off your shoes, take a short walk, glance outside, taste something delicious, or engage in another healthy pleasure. The optimal dopamine levels in your brain will help you stay organized and productive. 

After a few hours, you will likely wonder how you managed without this simple fix for overwhelm and burnout. 

Healthy pleasures also decrease the urge for unhealthy indulgence, so if you want to avoid overeating at a party, it's a good idea to engage in something pleasurable (this can be as small as 3 deep breaths and a stretch or a quick snuggle with your with your dog) before you arrive at the temptation-filled event.

If you find yourself fighting cravings, the answer might be more pleasure, instead of more deprivation. A move as simple as a light stroke of your palm might stop you from grabbing for those chips, yelling at your spouse or fuming about the line that’s moving too slow for your stressed out brain. 

( I know stroking your palm sounds, well, odd, but it’s an action that quickly stimulates the pleasure centers in your brain and stops negative chemical reactions in their tracks) 

Have a pleasurable evening and thank you for reading my post. I hope it pleased your hard working brain.

Mary

Unconscious Competence: The Ultimate Game Changer

The most important part of the law of attrAction is the word, "Action."

It's also the hardest part for our brains, which are total energy hogs (they use more than twenty percent of our total energy resources even though they weigh in at less than two percent of our total body weight!).

To stop our brains from using any more energy than absolutely necessary, we become "ourselves," (our personalities, quirks, likes and dislikes) and stay that way, for a lifetime. In addition, our creative neural pathways grow dormant as we age; without steady practice, we don't have access to the creative abilities necessary for positive change.

One of the most reliable ways to break through the thought barrier of "that's just the way I've always been" (and to re-engage creativity as your ally in positive change efforts) is to practice actions that would not normally be taken by someone with "your" personality. ( at last expert count, we only use about 10% of the ways of being available to us at any moment, boxed in by the idea that "we are the way we are")

If you are an introvert, consider doing something that you imagine only an extrovert would try; if you are a compulsive neat freak, leave your bed unmade for one day. If you are always the leader, try sitting in the back row at your next meeting.

These small changes, practiced deliberately over time, strengthen the mental muscles( which are mostly outside of your awareness) that enable positive change.
Research proves that people who periodically disengage from their habitual personality traits experience improvements in their ability to lose weight and keep it off and to make other positive changes in their life. (This occurred even when the participants did not intend to lose weight; in effect, the research subjects developed unconscious competence. Without any will power or plans, they found themselves gifted with the ability to stop eating when they were full, and engage in other healthy habits without so much effort, no longer slaves to an incompetent subconscious mind.)
This disengagement from your tried and true self is exhausting for your brain, so it is a good idea to find an accountability partner or two- you can plan your actions, then text reminders to each other to do the things that you said you would do. (an introvert might engage in 10 minutes of tortuous cold calling, an athlete might spend an afternoon relaxing on the couch.)
(Special note: If you are addicted to the thing you are trying to change ( drugs, alcohol, anger, food, etc) you might not ever achieve unconscious competence, meaning that you will need to engage in support and accountability for a lifetime to stay on track.)
Remember, you are not trying to improve your ability to cold call, or to listen during a meeting with this new practice. You are just developing the awareness that you CAN do things differently. You are exercising) new "muscles" ( neural pathways) in your brain.
Chances are, you won't ever be "good" at cold calling if you are an introvert, or turn into a neat freak if you are "creative"( aka sloppy- ha ha) like me, but your brain will get better at enabling you to make choices that honor YOU, rather than your current personality choice.
You won't notice unconscious competence ( it is unconscious!):-that's why accountability is crucial in the "beginning." ( for me, the beginning is usually two to five years, rather than two to five weeks!)
Over time, with disciplined practice, you will notice a new, deep, satisfactory freedom making it's way into your life - you will be free to be the you that you choose, rather than the you that you are, and actions that seemed impossible in the past, will seem to magically become do-able, even for someone "like you."
Have a day filled to the brim with freedom of choice, joy and love.
Onward!
Thank you for reading.
Mary

Brand New Gifts

This morning I followed the sage of advice of Thich Nat Han and used the time I was stopped by red lights or traffic to notice my breath and take a mindfulness break. When I slowed down inside, I naturally noticed the view outside. 

As the bare trees moved against the blue gray pallet, a single bird flew across the sky and I was inspired by this thought: 

"Once upon a time, you saw a bird fly for the first time."

What was it like to see a bird fly for the first time? How old was I? What was it like the first time I saw a lake, the sky, or my mother's face? 

As I walked into work, I had the thought that there would also be a last time that I would see a bird, a lake or the sky, just like there was a last time I saw the smile on Milly's face. (Milly is my mom's name.)

It wasn't a sad thought really; it was more of an awareness of the miracles that fade in and out of my sight as I move through my daily routine.

I was moved by the idea that the feelings of the child who saw a bird for the first time are still there if I lean in and imagine. When I then think of the first time I saw a live lion at a zoo or my loved ones at a big family gathering, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the ordinary moments that I usually take for granted. 

I am thinking these deep thoughts because I am spending lots of time with my dog, who has been diagnosed with cancer; although I have thought this before and been happily proven wrong, I am pretty sure she's almost done with this chapter of her existence. 

Unsure of her disabled footing, my dog now stops after walking a foot or so and we just stand still for awhile before she moves on. 

As I stand there, I awaken to the irreplaceable relationships and the wonderful world surrounding me. (Because I appreciate every second left with my old pal, I appreciate all the other seconds and relationships in my life too.) 

I am thankful for this rare opportunity to learn these end-of-life lessons early, from an unconditionally loving friend. 

Thanks for reading and if you can, take a moment to notice the view outside your window today. I guarantee you'll be struck by the creative genius wrought by nature's artistic hand. 

Then, take a moment and remember that everything we see was once a brand new gift, including each other. 

May you and yours be well, happy and peaceful in every moment. 

(No filters for these photos-leaning heavily into REAL these days.)

Mary

Your brain learns best by doing, and teaching.

If you just sit and listen, or watch carefully, your neurotransmitters will clump up into a traffic jam at the first unfamiliar concept or a seemingly impassable barrier, and wait to learn about that concept or how to overcome that obstacle before they re-engage. 

You might imagine you are learning as you listen or read, but your retention rate is statistically dismal. ( less than 5% of what you learn is retained from listening to a lecture and less than 10% is retained from just reading according to most experts). Real learning happens when you take action. 

You can apply this idea of engagement to your senses as well. Touching the pages of a book enhances your chances of knowledge retention since it engages your tactile senses. The more you involve yourself ( touch, smell, sound, etc., the more likely you are to remember what you learned.) 

Once you make the mistake or run into the feared obstacle, and correct yourself or overcome the obstacle, your neurotransmitters will put their collective tiny "feet" on the gas and move onto the next obstacle you noticed ahead of time, where they will again jam up and wait for the answers before moving on. 

This is why is it critical to make mistakes as you learn how to do the task or repeat the memorized content correctly. Think of procrastinating as delaying learning, rather than failure or achievement. 

Experts estimate that active learning, which involves doing something, results in a retention close to 90 percent (enhanced by teaching your new knowledge to someone else), while disengaged learning results in a retention rate well under 25%. 

Replace the goal of accomplishment with the goal of learning, and you will begin to see failure as guidance, and success as nothing more than a sign that you are headed in a beneficial direction.

That makes it way less scary to start. 

Yes, you will look stupid. No, it will not feel good. But after awhile, you will see a bad-ass courageous learner in the mirror, and that is one of the most satisfying experiences of all. Because if you are willing to be a learner, you can essentially try anything you want. 

Have a smart and happy day. And remember to learn something new. 

Thanks for reading my post. I appreciate your attention more than you know.

Mary

Replacing self improvement with self care as a way to get things done

Just a quick reminder that procrastination is self-reinforcing. Your brain is designed to make you feel good when you avoid an challenging task. 

You can change this by leaning into accountability and mindfulnesss(try setting a timer for 25 or 50 minutes and using that time to begin or complete the dreaded task. Really helpful if you can text a friend who is also doing this.) 

Once the task is complete or in the process of completion you might not feel better right away (eg, if you are sending an email you’ve been afraid to send you might worry about the response after you send it) - this is where self compassion practice can help. 

After you hit send or clean out one drawer take a moment to tell yourself “good job, it will be ok, you are doing your best, even if they take it the wrong way or it takes twice as long it’ll be ok”, etc. ( these words will often arise naturally if you practice loving kindness meditation in a regular basis by the way) 

With practice you’ll reverse the way it usually works as you ( and your brain) learn to enjoy the process of self reassurance as you move through your challenges. 

I am of course writing this for a friend. Ha ha 

Have a productively peaceful day and 

Thanks for reading this post
Mary

"If I can just get the message to one generation, just one, then everything will be better. Everything."- Venerable Bhante Sujatha

One of the main differentiating tenets of Buddhism is that a Buddhist trains his or her mind to be non-reactive, curious, and focused on loving-kindness in order to end internal suffering in a world which is always full of suffering. Rather than seeing a deity that causes this or that and asking that supreme being for forgiveness or help with changing, Buddhists change the inner workings of their minds so that they can maintain calm and peace, and be more effective and happier amidst the constant suffering which is accepted as the natural state of the world (impermanence, everyone eventually dies, growing old is usually difficult at some point, etc.) 

Meditation is helpful no matter what faith you practice, what you believe, or how you view the world. 

No "belief" is required for positive changes to occur. Researchers have proven that meditation increases the gray matter in your frontal Cortex (your executive wise center), decreases the gray matter in your amygdala ( your fear-driven reactive center) and lessens the connection between your pain reflex and your thought center -(you feel pain, but you don't suffer from it- this is almost magical in its effectiveness). 

(Can you imagine a world filled with people who are practiced at staying calm amidst chaos, accustomed to managing anger, pain and discomfort with their breath, and taught to love kindness?- me, too.)

For many spiritual and practical reasons, the idea of meditation practice (including loving kindness practice) as the path to world peace is real for me.
The elegance of Bhante's simple message is so beautiful - "I am a Breath-ist, not a Buddhist" is one of my favorite quotes from him. 

Thanks for reading and have a mindfully wonder-filled day,

Mary

An Easy Way To Stay Focused: The Power Of Gratitude

Today, I wanted to walk ten laps inside of a building - it was too cold for me outside. (I knew that ten laps in this hallway would be about 30 minutes and I left my phone in my desk on purpose, determined to breathe mindfully as I walked) 

I soon noticed that I was forgetting which lap I was on unless I kept count with each breath and I didn't want to do that. 

Out of the blue, I was inspired to practice gratitude to keep count of my laps. 

I restarted with lap one and thought of one thing I was grateful for - my full recovery from pneumonia; During that lap, I felt my appreciation for my healthy body grow. I could not have forgotten the number one even if I wanted to. 

On the second lap, I thought of two beings: my son and my dog. This resulted in an enjoyable trip down memory lane, recalling the best parts of our experiences together. 

On the third lap, I thought about a woman who is telling me her fascinating life story so that we can write her memoir together, my generous best friend, and my yoga practice. 

Again, it was so easy to remember the lap number, three. 

I did this gratitude practice all the way up to ten laps, and by that point, I had so many people in my mind that I couldn't even begin to fit them all into only ten spaces. 

I started to group them- my yoga teachers, my girlfriends, my family, my coworkers, etc. 

As I walked back to my desk, I was inspired by the power of gratitude and the gift of mindfulness. If you find yourself forgetful, bored, frustrated, distracted, procrastinating (or on the verge of giving up), try thinking about a few circumstances, animals or people that inspire thankfulness in you. 

You're likely to feel better quickly and re-awaken your ability to make the next, right choice, re-energize your commitments, organize the information you'd like to retain, and stay focused as you work to meet your goals. 

Thanks for reading. Have a mindfully happy evening. 

Oh , and I do want to brag that I was NOT talking to myself out loud for a change - ha ha! 

PS: I did a little research on the brain chemistry of gratitude and the positive impact is immediate, and REAL. 

(I felt so good by the end of this walk that when my hard drive crashed an hour later (no kidding for real utter computer meltdown), I was able to stay calm and happy, automatically thinking: "There's not a damn thing I can do about this right now. I can re-create whatever I need. It will be okay." trust me when I tell you that's a flipping miracle!)

How To Overcome Second Thoughts

(It is so easy to forget this, but even your worst fears are most likely just emotions, and emotions, as we know, pass almost every time within 90 seconds)

If you are having "second thoughts," (the thoughts that immediately follow almost each and every impulse to act on your dreams) try this:

Breathe deeply, in and out, three times.

Now that your fear center is calmed down, take a few minutes to quietly observe your second thoughts and let them pass.

Once you are calm, either write down the action you're going to take, or take a simple action toward your dreams. 

(By the way, second, third and fourth thoughts are totally normal brain function; The doubts and fears that generate second thoughts are usually scrawny little nuisances that can be easily bossed around by your superior executive functions, which can be re-awakened by three deep breaths.)

I love humans today even more than yesterday (I did not think that was possible!)

Thank you for reading and for being you.

Mary